Try Again, Sasuke!
by Muffinkichi
Summary: [SasuNaru. EveryoneNaru] Sasuke plans to molest, er, profess his love to Naruto. Too bad he screws up all the time, and everyone Narutoobsessed including Neji to his psycho brother Itachi only thwarts his efforts to seduce him! What will Sasuke do?
1. Bedtime Issues

This was done on a whim…a total whim. I had a vague thought of what I wanted to do for a humor Naruto fic and this idea popped out. Although I will allow flames, what's the point of doing so? I'm still going to insult you for ignorance and unneeded remarks. As I say all the time, if you have the time to flame, go do something useful, like helping the elderly to cross the streets.

Ah, might I warn you readers that some characters may seem OOC and their subtle personalities will be more pronounced in this fiction. It's just humor, don't get all worked up about it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I just have the first 16 volumes of it. If you are still not aware that this is a fan fiction which expresses someone's idea about a certain material, it's mandatory you learn of it. I don't expect anyone to sue me, for the majority of Naruto fiction readers seem pretty young. Hurts being a minor, doesn't it?

Well, on with the fic.

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"Sasuke."

"No."

"Sasuke."

"NO."

"Sasuke."

"Naruto, if you open that mouth of yours again, I swear I will shove something down your throat other than ramen!"

I'm sure you do, Sasuke.

Naruto abruptly closed his mouth. The whiskered-boy had been begging Sasuke to buy him ramen for the past half hour. Sasuke let out a sigh, half in relief for not having to go bankrupt for another week, and half in regret, for as we all knew, he DID have something he wanted to stick in Naruto's mouth.

I dare you to guess!

"Sasuke…I really want ramen…"

Now the whiskered boy, Naruto, tried the puppy-whimper effect. Tears gleamed in his soft baby blue eyes, and his lips curved into a heartrending pout. His face turned into an unbearably pitiful and poignant state, enough to shoot down a random ninja from the streets.

Would Sasuke, the renowned boy of contempt and hate, fall for this kind of unNaruto-like, I'm-so-cute-you-can't-resist-me, sugar-coated trick?

Alas, he did! A slight twitch of Sasuke's left eyebrow, and the boy slammed down the money for the Ichiraku to take. He then ran his fingers through his coarse hair, dreading having to go through the humiliation of begging his psycho brother Itachi for money again. Naruto, oblivious to Sasuke's mental torture, cheered and gave Sasuke a light hug. A new romance blossomed in Konoha.

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"Ah, that was a good meal…"

Naruto let out a sigh of contentment as Sasuke sorrowfully counted his remaining few coins. One yen. Not enough to even afford matches. And definitely not enough to pay this month's rent. The poor boy, he got seizures from just thinking of his other debts!

And then a thought, preferably nasty, ran through Sasuke's head.

_I can stay with Naruto._ He smiled.

_Temporarily. _Heincluded the last word after realizing how sinful he had sounded. Obviously, the boy had more than just mild lovey-dovey thoughts gushing through his head. At the age of twelve too…., a bit too young for the average boy to go into puberty. Well, the Uchiha excelled in numerous things, the hormonal processes constituted one of their overachieving qualities, supposedly.

"Hey Naruto…" Sasuke cleared his throat. He didn't want to sound too cocky when suggesting such an ambiguous question. He started again, suddenly lowering his voice for a more…suave yet masculine feel.

"Could I…stay in your house for awhile?"

Naruto turned around and raised an eyebrow. His expression was somewhat of a dog caught urinating in his owner's garden.

"Sasuke…are you planning to…" Sasuke cursed inwardly. _Damn, he figured out my plan! _He gulped, having difficulty keeping the aloof look up as he always did. _Well, the second part of it, anyway…_

"…are you planning to train with me? Sure! You don't even have to ask!" Naruto finished, a grateful smile on his face.

Dunce child, dunce child. Sasuke contemplated whether or not to choke Naruto and strangle the boy to death until he would realize Sasuke's true motivation. Until Naruto would realize the all those hidden and often serendipitous moments they shared: the kiss, the rivalry, the numerous times they saved each other, the jealous looks Sasuke sent Naruto whenever he hit on Sakura, and nearly everything else that slightly hinted at a possible homosexual relationship between the two and if it meant absolutely nothing to him.

But Sasuke ceased in doing so, realizing he'd sound dumb and such complex ideals would not penetrate through Naruto's excessively thick skull.

"Ah…well…Naruto…"

"Well then! Let's go to my house! Yay!" With that, Naruto possessively clasped Sasuke's hand and embarked on a journey to his apartment, draggin the destitute boy along with him.

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Already nightfall. Lots of heavy breathing. Two sweaty bodies all over each other. And Naruto on bottom.

"Sasuke…we're a-almost there…just…FIVE MORE MILES!"

Sasuke groaned, certainly not pleased having Naruto carry him on his small back. Sasuke's body had given up halfway to Naruto's apartment, and Naruto had to carry the older boy from then on.

"We're here!" Chirped Naruto.

Sasuke became momentarily stunned. _How did they travel five miles so fast?_

"Naruto, do you know how many feet there are in five miles?" Innocently asked Sasuke.

"Five!" Naruto replied.

Sasuke feared the increasing mental deterioration in Naruto.

Naruto opened the door to his tiny studio apartment. It was quite small, but comfy for someone like our fox boy.

"Sasuke, Sasuke! Let's go out and train, kay?" Eagerly asked Naruto.

"Naruto…it's kind late. Let's go to sleep." Sasuke wandered around to explore new territory before gently sitting on Naruto's bed.

_Of course that's a lie. _Sasuke thought, a suspicious grin forming on his face. _I need time to figure out how to convey my feelings for Naruto in an indirect kind of way. Without being too open._

Naruto looked troubled, before coming around to sit next to Sasuke on his comfy bed.

"Well…Sasuke, that's fine with me. But you know that I only have one bed, right?"

Sasuke looked at the small twin bed. The bed was too small for even him to fit in. But with two people!

"Good night Sasuke!" Naruto climbed into his bed, mysteriously having changed into his pajamas while Sasuke wasn't looking. Sasuke regretted this.

"Uh…good night." Sasuke said, removing only accessories for he forgot to bring a change of clothes with him. Sasuke gingerly pulled down the bed covers as not to wake the already deep in slumber Naruto and to stay as far away from him as possible.

_All right, all right, as long as I don't face him or touch him, I won't do anything…bad. _Sasuke flinched as his back touched Naruto's. _Hopefully. _Already feeling funny, he started to dread what he might do to Naruto in his sleep.

"Mmmm…miso ramen…" Naruto muttered, rubbing his head tenderly on Sasuke's back, his arms tightly wrapped around Sasuke's waist.

Sasuke remained quiet, sweat pouring down him like never-ending waterfalls.

"What…you want to…scratch my whiskers? Go ahead…" Naruto muttered again in his sleep, his head digging even harder to Sasuke's back. Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he wouldn't do anything to Naruto.

_I won't respond to what he does! I won't! _Sasuke mentally screamed in his head. We laugh at his foolish attempt.

"Sasuke…that feels…good…"

This night was going to be harder than he thought.

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Whimsical….I must say. Reviews are up to you. But then again, you know what authors want.

09/14/05 Edit: Fixed formatting, included story breaks (which were ominously omitted through uploading), fixed a few minor story errors. Internet readability is 100!


	2. Pains and Even More Pains

If you like SasuNaru, or any kind of Naruto yaoi, join LiveJournal communities for Naruto yaoi and sasuxnaru! We needy more members! And since LJ doesn't require LJ invite codes anymore, you can just join! In case you were wondering, my LJ is evilmuffin

Other cool Naruto yaoi writers are there too! Join! XDDD.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. I own Neji. grabs him and runs away from evil Japanese-muttering lawyers

Thank you people for the confidence-raising reviews. I was pleased on how people didn't point bad fingers at me for making 12-year-old Sasuke a pervert. :D And sorry for not updating for like, what, half a year! xDXDDDD (if anyone CARES). Anyway, I did remove the condescending side comments (well, at least I tried…) from this chappie.

Naruto: I love Sasuke. I want to screw him so hard that he'll feel me inside him for a week.

Sasuke: Baka. That's my line. rapes him

Sighs I vainly wish that it would happen…

Oh yeah, moving the story to past tense. Present is kind of bleh (no, she just can't write present tense coherently enough) XD

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Chapter Two: Pains and Even More Pains

Sasuke yawned and painfully rubbed his bloodshot eyes. All that clinging and face-rubbing performed by Naruto kept him awake last night. Sasuke wasn't sure what his instinctive Uchiha hormonal senses would do to Naruto while his conscious was asleep, so he basically spent the whole night trying to keep himself awake, biting on his fingers so he wouldn't fall asleep. By the time it was morning, there was blood and bruises all over his hands. But he wasn't sure if he was successful in keeping himself awake…….

Sasuke glanced over at Naruto. The boy seemed fine--at least HE got a few hours of sleep. Sasuke continued to absentmindedly stare (and drool) at the cuteness of Naruto until their teacher came in the timeliest manner.

"Yo!" With a poof of non-toxic smoke, Kakashi had appeared. He seemed to be in an ebullient mood, and even apologized for his tardiness. "Where's Sakura?" Kakashi asked, looking around with the Icha Icha Paradisu glued to his hand.

"Sakura told me she was sick today….very sick. Right Sasuke? She said she won't be able to go to missions for a week," Naruto told Kakashi, a look of small confusion on his face.

"Or maybe two," Sasuke added, and smirked.

What Naruto didn't know couldn't hurt him. A day before his stay at Naruto's house, Sasuke had told Sakura that if she went to China for a week that he would go on a date with her the following week without a doubt. The girl had bluntly agreed, and went on the ship without protest or thought. Sadly, she had not looked at the ticket he gave to her, giddy and bouncy with the thoughts of her future date with Sasuke--the ship was actually headed for Antarctica.

Of course, that was just the beginning of Sasuke's malicious and costly plans to get rid of all obstacles in claiming Naruto as his own. It was quite shocking what the little boy would do just to have solitary entitlement over Naruto. But again, he didn't like Sakura all over him, giving him "gifts" of practically inedible and indigestible rice balls. He would have rather swallowed a bucketful of stones.

"Kakashi-sensei, what's our mission today?" Naruto asked, the subject of Sakura immediately forgotten. "Can we have a B-rank mission today? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

He pleaded, giving his teacher the evil-look-of-utter-kawaiiness-that-spelled-DOOM, but Kakashi shook his head. Sasuke looked in amazement, as to how Kakashi would be able to flippantly resist such a cute face that entranced Ice-Bitch Sasuke each time without fail. He supposed there was a reason Kakashi was a Jounin.

"We will be collecting trash around this park today. We'll need at least 50 pounds of trash or we won't be able to go home today." Kakashi stated, his eyes scouring over the contents of his just-bought Icha Icha Paradisu vol. 10. It was terribly fun!

"And since Sakura's not here today, you'll have to do her work as well; 75 pounds for both of you." Naruto and Sasuke looked on, eyes glazed and dulled with the burden of massive numbers.

"I'm just kidding! It's only 50 pounds to collect overall, but it certainly would've been easier and pretty much faster to collect if Sakura was here…" Kakashi trailed off, his fingers busy flipping over volume 10.

Sasuke felt a bit peeved for some reason, almost as if Kakashi knew of his plans. His further developing thoughts were interrupted by Naruto's outburst.

"50 pounds! And of trash! That weighs as much as me!" Naruto exclaimed.

But he was wrong. Sasuke knew Naruto weighed exactly 40.1 kilos, 89.1 in pounds. So that statement would be incorrect, for 50 pounds was only 56.1167227 of his actual weight.

Sasuke also knew Naruto was 145.3 cm tall and right-handed. And if that wasn't scary enough, he knew every difference and percentages of the difference between his and Naruto's measurements—sharingan DID have its uses sometimes. He also knew Naruto's shirt size, his shoe size, his pant size--ok, not to that detail. Sasuke burned to learn of Naruto's pants' size! And to learn of his chest, waist, and hip measurements as well!

Sasuke had absolutely no idea that this amount and detail of information he knew would be classified as a stalker-degree of obsession to detail to most people. As if he would have cared.

"Well, you guys better get started or else you'll never get home by the end of the day."

At hearing this, Naruto scampered to get a trash bag and to start collecting trash.

Kakashi turned to Sasuke. "I want to speak with you for a moment, Sasuke."

Sasuke wondered if Kakashi knew of his plans to send Sakura to a death-land. Of course, he reminded her she might need some heavy-duty warm clothes so she certainly wouldn't have died from the cold…hmm….Even if Kakashi knew, all they could do was to send a search party after Sakura. But who would consent to going to an ice-cold island?

Either way, Sasuke already planned it out: since Sakura's hair was blindingly pink, the natives would soon find her because of the color contrast to the white of the snow, and once they found her, they would sell her as a slave at a decent price. But then again, Sasuke wasn't sure if there were natives on Antarctica….

Sasuke nodded, and Kakashi came closer to speak in a whisper so the busy-working Naruto wouldn't overhear. But Kakashi was quite direct in his speech.

"I know what you did last night Sasuke."

Sasuke flinched noticeably, but said nothing. But in his mind he was going crazy. _DAMN MY PLANS WERE RUINED_. It was probably very wrong for a 12-year-old boy to desire another 12-year-old boy, and Kakashi might prohibit that forever.

"I don't know what you're up to, but you were definitely doing something to Naruto yesterday."

Sasuke still said nothing, only biting his lips to keep himself from bawling, confessing everything of his heart's desire. The pain on his lower lip was the only thing keeping him from bursting out everything.

"I could hear Naruto, MOANING all the way from my apartment. And I want you to know Sasuke, my apartment is about 5 miles away from his."

Sasuke vaguely remembered Naruto declaring that his house was exactly 5 miles away from the Ichiraku Ramen stand. But then it was actually 5 minutes. Maybe Kakashi-sensei lived near the Ichiraku Ramen stand. Maybe 5 miles really was 5 minutes. Maybe all his math studies were wrong. Maybe he needed to go back to the academy again. And Sasuke wondered why he was thinking such stupid thoughts at this crucial moment when he had to prepare himself for the final blow.

"Sasuke, you're not replying. Is what I'm saying true, or have I been hearing things?"

"I-I-I was massaging him Kakashi-sensei!" Sasuke blurted out. Oh boy. Smart. Sasuke wanted much to stab himself for the stupid thought. Maybe he should have told Kakashi that he LOVED to caress Naruto's shoulders and groped him there and other inappropriate places for fun.

Much to Sasuke's amazement, Kakashi looked quite convinced.

"Oh, was that it? I see…." Kakashi rubbed his chin. "Well, I guess there's only one way to know." Kakashi turned to his left. "Naruto! Come over here!"

Naruto twitched at the sound of his name, afraid of being caught eavesdropping on their conversation.

He had purposely been kicking and picking up trash near Kakashi and Sasuke just so he could listen to their conversation. He smiled meekly as he came tip-toeing over to Kakashi.

"Y-yeah?"

"Naruto, I'd just like to know what you and Sasuke did last night." Kakashi smiled.

Naruto wrapped his arms around the back of his head and grinned.

"Haha, that's easy. We just slept together, Kakashi-sensei!"

……………

One would know better than to say this, but this was Naruto we're talking about here. There was no limit to his logic, more of maybe that he had none of it.

Sasuke just let his mouth hang open as Kakashi took on an expression he'd never seen before. The worst he could expect was that Kakashi would resign to teach Team 7 due to "personal difficulties" with the students. The 12-year-old IMPURE students, save for the absent Sakura.

"Ah-ahh. I see…" Kakashi muttered, his head bent lower to his orange book. "You're excused Naruto."

Naruto went back to his trash collecting work, scratching his head in utter confusion. Sasuke was still too stunned to move, but managed to lift one heavy foot after the other to avoid his teacher.

"Sasuke, the next time with Naruto, call me, alright?" Kakashi mumbled and he bent even lower into his dirty book, and Sasuke looked back in utter shock. So the rumors were true…..Kakashi-sensei really was a pervert!

At least, he was relieved Kakashi was tolerant, if not scarily encouraging of Naruto's horrible wording. They had not REALLY slept together….well, yes they did, but they didn't DO anything….at least he hoped they didn't. Sasuke sighed, frustrated at his lack of memory and fuzziness of last night.

"Hey, Sasuke, are you going to make me do all the work!" Naruto bitterly complained.

Already, the blonde had collected 30 pounds of trash. Sasuke was a bit amazed at his prowess. Actually, he was amazed one park could contain so much trash.

"Sasuke! Are you listening! Help me out here!" Naruto called over helplessly, struggling with the weight of the bag, which Sasuke estimated was about 33.6700336 of his weight and rushed to help him.

They held at one end of the trash bag, trying to drag it over to the huge dumpster a few feet away. As they tugged on the openings of the bag, Sasuke realized how intimately close their hands were, and if Sasuke just moved over an inch, his hands would be on top of Naruto's soft little hands. He wanted to rub his bruised and bloody fingers over Naruto's hands and say "Oh, Naruto, did you know you coo and mewl to yourself about ramen at night?" and put butterfly kisses up and down his neck and Naruto would be seduced by his touches and then…

While thinking, Sasuke had forgotten all about the trash bag and had accidentally let go. Naruto, who was trying his hardest to pull the heavy load over fell over on his back, and the place he let go had a huge rip and already trash started pouring out from the opening.

Sasuke opened his mouth to remark before he realized Naruto had tears in his eyes and was trying to wipe them away with his sleeves.

"Naruto, I'm sorry…" Sasuke managed to say, but the sight of Naruto with innocent, albeit fake, tears in his eyes moved him so much, he wanted to hug him tight and never let go.

Of course, Naruto wouldn't like that, in his current state.

"Sasuke, you never help me when I need you! You..you…" Naruto sniffed. "I hate you!" Naruto turned and ran, sobbing as he went.

Sasuke knew from experience that this was many a method of Naruto's just to get Sasuke to buy him ramen again. He would have gladly bought him ten bowls, but the apparition of Itachi warning him to use his money wisely sent shivers down his spine. He did not want another encounter with Itachi again. Ever.

"Hmmph. You're stupider than you look, Uchiha."

Sasuke turned to face Neji, sitting contently on a nearby bench with his legs crossed in a quite effeminate way. His blank white eyes and stupid girly-ways annoyed Sasuke.

"Are you going to give me another dissertation on how you and Naruto belong together by destiny and fate? Because you do realize, lectures get redundant when based upon fantasies." Sasuke retorted coolly.

Neji only raised an eyebrow, and cocked his head in amusement. (Catfight!)

"Rude as ever, aren't you? Well, I was going to give you a suggestion on how to bring Naruto to your side….but I guess it was destiny you guys weren't meant to be." Getting up quite slowly, he passed by Sasuke muttering softly in his ear, "You've got to play along with them."

Sasuke turned his head. "Play along? What do you mean?"

Neji looked back, frustrated, flipping his long, silky hair over his shoulder as he rolled his white eyes.

"I hope they don't call you genius for nothing, Uchiha, because you should know what I mean," Neji remarked, and a smirk appeared on his lips. "Or perhaps I should just take Naruto from you. It's destiny, after all, that we belong together."

And with that, Neji let out a hearty evil laugh, very much out of character, and added a few more tidbits about Destiny preferring the Hyuuga to the Uchiha in terms of intelligence.

"I don't know Neji, I think Naruto prefers men," scoffed the raven-haired boy.

Neji glared defiantly at him. Sasuke knew he hit him at a weak spot….or so he presumed.

"Was it destiny that I was meant to be as beautiful as the female race! Did destiny grant me such silky hair, such a perfect oval face, such slender and toned limbs? Ohh, the cruelties of fate…." Neji preached to the skies, before realizing Sasuke was looking at him like he swallowed a cockroach or something.

Lowering his hands, Neji cleared his throat.

"In any case, know that you have competition for the affections of Naruto-kun, Uchiha," Neji purred. "Me….and destiny!"

Neji gracefully turned to leave, chuckling evil chuckles as he sauntered past other genin who eyed him strangely. Sasuke had never heard the word "destiny" mentioned so much in one conversation. Needless to say, the reason Sasuke hated Neji was because he mentioned "Destiny" in every other sentence. Couldn't he use a thesaurus?

But now Sasuke was worried, because he had to claim Naruto as his own right away with the stupid she-man doggedly determined to steal his love!

"O-Oy! Sasuke! You still need to collect 20 more pounds of trash!" Kakashi called out.

Sasuke swore under his breath and finished collecting trash at about midnight. And through all this, Neji laughed at his position, ranting about how it was his destiny to collect trash until Sasuke came over and punched Neji square in his pretty face.

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Bleghhh. XD. Don't get me wrong, I love Neji, but I always thought of him as this very feminine and destiny-obsessed character. And I'm sure he's obsessed with Naruto as well…..the 190's chapters was enough shonen-ai for me. XDD. And…does anyone want to be my beta? XDDD. Just wondering.

Oh yeah, Itachi is coming soon, because I lurves him ;; R&R please!

09/14/05 Edit: Fixed the biggest mathematical errorof my whole entire life. Did anybody notice the original said something like "25 pounds was 56 of 89.1"? That was supposed to be 50 pounds, not 25. OO. Also fixed a few minor story problems and formatting. Yay.


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